In my long experience as a divorce attorney and mediator, I have sometimes witnessed parties obstructing, indeed often sabotaging, their own divorce. I hasten to add that this is rarely intentional. We are all imperfect human beings, at times driven or confused by emotions and preconceived notions. Most lawyers resist dealing with these issues as they did not go to law school to become therapists. Nevertheless, parties and attorneys should be aware of these problems as, unless addressed, they will make the road to divorce far harder. The following will constitute some of my own observations on this theme.

Some clients wish the settlement or judgment in divorce to exact retribution on the offending spouse. Say, your spouse was emotionally or physically violent, or lost significant monies through improvident stock trades, or was a bad parent. And you want the settlement to somehow punish that spouse for his/her behavior. You cannot allow these feelings to affect your approach in settling your case. Why? Because the attorneys, mediator, or judge will not approach your divorce in this manner. They simply will not. Therefore, you must channel those feelings in another direction and concentrate on achieving a reasonable and final settlement.

Connected to this is the expectation that in the divorce process the scales of justice will now balance equally. You might feel you made all the sacrifices during the marriage. You were the parent who attended all the childrens’ activities, you made all the meals, you were the one who worried about the bills. Surely, the financial settlement should compensate you somehow for these sacrifices? Maybe give you sixty percent of the assets instead of fifty percent? The harsh reality is that your sacrifices will normally not be taken into account in asset or debt distribution for any number of reasons. Mainly because it is very difficult, if not impossible, for the mediator or judge to quantify your “sacrifices.”

Lastly, do not expect the very divorce process to act as a “wake-up” call for your spouse. If your spouse was uninterested in dealing with the kids’ issues during your marriage, negotiating his/her involvement during mediation discussions is not going to change him/her. Your spouse is your spouse is your spouse. Do not hope the divorce process will somehow shock him/her into becoming a new person.

Obviously, this small blog is worthy of a book-length treatment. I raise these issues here more as warning signs you should consider when you embark on the process of divorce mediation.

If you wish to schedule an initial consultation, please contact me at 212-605-0435 or 516-280-3123.